I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
