so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
