I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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