Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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