It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
