why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
