Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
