When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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