So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
