I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i love accidental penises.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
