Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
