I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
