dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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