even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize