Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize