What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I want a musical about memes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
