Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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