so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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