Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
