If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
