By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
