sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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