i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i now understand why vodka
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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