She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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