woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
