can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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