So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
