I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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