i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
