he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So much Jack, so little girl.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
