The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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