Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
