I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
