Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
