I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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