i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
