well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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