I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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