Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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