he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
PANTIES FOUND
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