he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
