it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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