Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
