she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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