I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
