one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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