I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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