Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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