Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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