Are we in a gay sports bar?
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
