i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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