did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
