Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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