She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize