Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
