sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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