I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
