the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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