i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
